Real Life Journalising

[lightofdaye]

OK so this may get a little ranty and emoish. It's just i thought it might help to write it out. So its for me more than anyone else. Feel free to skip it if you like.


So first off i'm a white, young male with no disabillities from middle class family, living in england (the first world) so I have like the least cause ever to say life is shit and i have it hard or what not. I know that going in.

Mentioned before, but I've got a paid job placement for 48 weeks to do before going back to uni. This means I'm moving to the town where i'm staying. Actually i think its technically a very small city... it has a cathedral.  That's tomorrow. So I've been slowly packing and getting very nervous all day.

I think when I get nervous that's when I tend to realise all my deficiencies, like a lot more than usual and they bother me a lot more than usual.

So going to be living not exactly by myself since i'm just renting one room in the couple's house, but sad to say its going to be the first time I've been looking after myself for an extended time since I was an undergrad. Plus living with people I don't really know but I guess that'll change.

Ok concentrating on this is making me feel less depressed but also feeling more embarrassed about talking about what bothers me when I'm in that nervous/ negative self-reflecting place.  Which I guess  to take the plunge and say is this; i'm really not a people person. As someone told me on the first few weeks of my master's course i have a complete lack of social graces. Course they were joking but its more or less true. I have four real life friends. two from my first time at uni and two from secondary school and they're still people i only see like every two or three months.  

Thing is i'm a pretty much an archetypal nerd. No social life, just likes science fiction/fantasy and i seem to spend all my time on the computer.  And of course no girlfriend like ever. Which usually doesn't bother me and its not like i'm going around consumed with lust and badly hitting on women inappropriately and so on. Given how blokes are supposed to be sometimes i feel like i must have a unusually low sex drive or something.

Though thats hard to say that with a straight face considering i spent all of this week doing nothing about from reading and writing for asoiafkinkmeme.

So when I get nervous and big changes are coming that's seems to be the time when I'm most likely to thing, gosh i really do need to get a life/a girlfriend/laid, whatever. Of course i can pull out my excuses as well, i live with my folks, have no job, no car and i'm boring. Some of those excuses are going away, i'll a job/some money (i guess though i got to cover rent/food now i'm living elsewhere) but still no car and i have no idea what my landlord's opinion on guests would be. 

But the biggest excuse is, well i'm 24 now. That's basically far too old to be trying to date/get laid for the first time without it getting really really awkward because I'm already supposed to have done this years ago. (same thing for driving. Yay for failing my practical test four times and now need to do the theory)

So there we have it long, self indulgence, slightly emo self-talk. I guess once i've made the move, started work, and got used to it, i'll probably slip back into complacency and not care about any of that stuff, again. But I guess that's not a good thing.


Normal service now resumes.

Comments

[luna-plath.livejournal.com]

I think it is okay to feel worried/upset about that stuff. I definitely identify with what you're talking about in this post because I go through the same type of mental freak out whenever changes are happening. Like the end of a school semester, or changing seasons, or a major holiday--it makes me think about what I've been doing with my time and then I realize that hey, it's summer and everything is still...not good. I still feel isolated/lonely/unsatisfied and I have no idea what to do about it.

I don't really know if you want people to comment on this/etc., but I guess what I'm saying that I understand where you're coming from. Whenever I get like that I feel like the only person on the planet who is feeling that way, when there are probably tons of introverted-type people going through the same thing. Especially now that I don't live with my parents or in a dormitory, but in an apartment away from campus, I will run into other university-aged people doing things and I'm like, why do I never do that? Why is my everyday life so empty of other people?

All my roommates have steady relationships, and I haven't really had that for a couple years, so I think about all the people/men I know and I'm like, okay, do I have to wait for this to fall out of the sky or something? How do I make these things happen? Sometimes I really want a more vibrant social life, but most of the time I'm okay with working really hard at school and just writing stories. It kind of goes back and forth. I try to remind myself that everyone goes through periods like that, and eventually it doesn't matter to me as much. I hope that helps?

[lightofdaye]

Yeah. I'm fine with people commenting. :-) I just said that bit at the beginning as content warning. People may not want to read this kinda thing.

Thanks very much for this comment, It's good to know I'm not the only person who feels this way. And yeah, you seem to understand, what i'm feeling. On the other hand, I'm sorry you feel this way too sometimes.

I did see your post awhile ago which was a similar, I'm sad to say I didn't respond because I didn't have much of a basis for advice giving.

But yeah, thanks, your comment does help a lot.

[luna-plath.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I don't have any advice either, just that you are not alone. Sometimes I wonder if it's my blindness/terrible vision that makes things difficult, but I know other blind people who are really extroverted who do lots of things. I don't even know *shakes head*

[lightofdaye]

Yeah I can see how it wouldn't help. Did you try any online dating things in the end?

[luna-plath.livejournal.com]

Not really. I've lurked around on a few of them to see what they're like and to see what types of people there are, but the idea of spending money (as in 20$ a month) has put me off for now. I'm on a budget. But it's not out of the question for the future.

Also, Willow is totally right about how British men are viewed in America. Girls fall all over themselves for guys with English accents.

[lightofdaye]

Oh yeah. paid ones? urgh. I thought there were a few free ones that were still decently respected? But I've not really done the research. lol.

And the accent thing again :-D It's an awesome idea but it does depend what americans think 'an english accent' is. The old joke is that people thing we only have two accents, received pronunciation (posh talk, pip-pip) and cockney (a'rite gvnr! ok thats a terrible transilterations) I probably sound like neither of those.

[luna-plath.livejournal.com]

Ha, I'm sure there are some people who are under that impression. It's kind of like how people think all southern americans sound like Sookie on True Blood. Or how people think that all New Yorkers sound loud and obnoxious. Neither of those are true, but people expect it sometimes.

[lightofdaye]

Thanks for the reassurance, willow. It means a lot to me.

Ahahha. Good looks and english accent. :-D I don't have an accent dammit. I'm English. Though seriously my accent is probably all over the place. Born and brought up in the north but my parent's weren't around here. So I'd be corrected if I said anything in a north accent. So It's probably ended up as a bit of a mish mash.