Real Life Journalising
Jun. 8th, 2012 10:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lightofdayeOK so this may get a little ranty and emoish. It's just i thought it might help to write it out. So its for me more than anyone else. Feel free to skip it if you like.
So first off i'm a white, young male with no disabillities from middle class family, living in england (the first world) so I have like the least cause ever to say life is shit and i have it hard or what not. I know that going in.
Mentioned before, but I've got a paid job placement for 48 weeks to do before going back to uni. This means I'm moving to the town where i'm staying. Actually i think its technically a very small city... it has a cathedral. That's tomorrow. So I've been slowly packing and getting very nervous all day.
I think when I get nervous that's when I tend to realise all my deficiencies, like a lot more than usual and they bother me a lot more than usual.
So going to be living not exactly by myself since i'm just renting one room in the couple's house, but sad to say its going to be the first time I've been looking after myself for an extended time since I was an undergrad. Plus living with people I don't really know but I guess that'll change.
Ok concentrating on this is making me feel less depressed but also feeling more embarrassed about talking about what bothers me when I'm in that nervous/ negative self-reflecting place. Which I guess to take the plunge and say is this; i'm really not a people person. As someone told me on the first few weeks of my master's course i have a complete lack of social graces. Course they were joking but its more or less true. I have four real life friends. two from my first time at uni and two from secondary school and they're still people i only see like every two or three months.
Thing is i'm a pretty much an archetypal nerd. No social life, just likes science fiction/fantasy and i seem to spend all my time on the computer. And of course no girlfriend like ever. Which usually doesn't bother me and its not like i'm going around consumed with lust and badly hitting on women inappropriately and so on. Given how blokes are supposed to be sometimes i feel like i must have a unusually low sex drive or something.
Though thats hard to say that with a straight face considering i spent all of this week doing nothing about from reading and writing for asoiafkinkmeme.
So when I get nervous and big changes are coming that's seems to be the time when I'm most likely to thing, gosh i really do need to get a life/a girlfriend/laid, whatever. Of course i can pull out my excuses as well, i live with my folks, have no job, no car and i'm boring. Some of those excuses are going away, i'll a job/some money (i guess though i got to cover rent/food now i'm living elsewhere) but still no car and i have no idea what my landlord's opinion on guests would be.
But the biggest excuse is, well i'm 24 now. That's basically far too old to be trying to date/get laid for the first time without it getting really really awkward because I'm already supposed to have done this years ago. (same thing for driving. Yay for failing my practical test four times and now need to do the theory)
So there we have it long, self indulgence, slightly emo self-talk. I guess once i've made the move, started work, and got used to it, i'll probably slip back into complacency and not care about any of that stuff, again. But I guess that's not a good thing.
Normal service now resumes.
So first off i'm a white, young male with no disabillities from middle class family, living in england (the first world) so I have like the least cause ever to say life is shit and i have it hard or what not. I know that going in.
Mentioned before, but I've got a paid job placement for 48 weeks to do before going back to uni. This means I'm moving to the town where i'm staying. Actually i think its technically a very small city... it has a cathedral. That's tomorrow. So I've been slowly packing and getting very nervous all day.
I think when I get nervous that's when I tend to realise all my deficiencies, like a lot more than usual and they bother me a lot more than usual.
So going to be living not exactly by myself since i'm just renting one room in the couple's house, but sad to say its going to be the first time I've been looking after myself for an extended time since I was an undergrad. Plus living with people I don't really know but I guess that'll change.
Ok concentrating on this is making me feel less depressed but also feeling more embarrassed about talking about what bothers me when I'm in that nervous/ negative self-reflecting place. Which I guess to take the plunge and say is this; i'm really not a people person. As someone told me on the first few weeks of my master's course i have a complete lack of social graces. Course they were joking but its more or less true. I have four real life friends. two from my first time at uni and two from secondary school and they're still people i only see like every two or three months.
Thing is i'm a pretty much an archetypal nerd. No social life, just likes science fiction/fantasy and i seem to spend all my time on the computer. And of course no girlfriend like ever. Which usually doesn't bother me and its not like i'm going around consumed with lust and badly hitting on women inappropriately and so on. Given how blokes are supposed to be sometimes i feel like i must have a unusually low sex drive or something.
Though thats hard to say that with a straight face considering i spent all of this week doing nothing about from reading and writing for asoiafkinkmeme.
So when I get nervous and big changes are coming that's seems to be the time when I'm most likely to thing, gosh i really do need to get a life/a girlfriend/laid, whatever. Of course i can pull out my excuses as well, i live with my folks, have no job, no car and i'm boring. Some of those excuses are going away, i'll a job/some money (i guess though i got to cover rent/food now i'm living elsewhere) but still no car and i have no idea what my landlord's opinion on guests would be.
But the biggest excuse is, well i'm 24 now. That's basically far too old to be trying to date/get laid for the first time without it getting really really awkward because I'm already supposed to have done this years ago. (same thing for driving. Yay for failing my practical test four times and now need to do the theory)
So there we have it long, self indulgence, slightly emo self-talk. I guess once i've made the move, started work, and got used to it, i'll probably slip back into complacency and not care about any of that stuff, again. But I guess that's not a good thing.
Normal service now resumes.
